I understand that hate is a strong word that should be reserved for Karl Rove and Barbara Boxer, but my hatred has finally gone beyond the realms of this world, and have now journeyed into the digital universe.

I am a sports video game geek. I can admit this thanks to many 12 step programs, and a few interventions by my wife, the lovely and gracious Phyllis. I owned the very first John Madden Football game that had only a picture of his fat head and upper torso against a red background. Since then I have spent more time playing Madden than I have in thinking about sex. Sadly, I have missed out on the opportunity to sire more children than the one I have already, but two years ago I did rank in the top 100 online players ( Not a resume worthy achievement I know, but this is probably 12 minutes of my 15 minutes of fame).

I bought Madden ‘06 the day it came out, and I was so excited that I opened as soon as I got home six weeks later (I had to finish Tiger Woods Golf 2005, stuffing my fat face, and a trip to New Orleans to see race relations at its finest). I started playing with the new “NFL Superstar” mode where you begin by choosing your parents so that the genetic bouillabaisse can create your player. This, first, is very realistic. I am sure my son looked down from the bucket of heavenly souls and chose an overweight, dickhead father in the mountains of North Carolina and said, “That is my IDEAL choice.” Yet I digress, once the player has been created then you go through an interview with an IQ test (I am not making this shit up) and selecting your Agent. Now your NFL draft position can be determined. Once drafted you have the ability to practice, and play in preseason games all while getting emails and voice mails from various people (Terrell Davis, your NFL mentor and Rich Eisen Mr. NFL Network) before going to the regualr season. Eventually, from what I understand, you have the ability to get “things” for your apartment.

The “things” are what I have a problem with. The only possessions that should matter in football are the ones that determine who has the ball. This is what is causing all of the problems in our society. Football is a controlled ballet of violence and barbaric behaviors set against a coliseum of blood-thirsty tailgaters that have the stench of beer and chili dogs (aka My People). Football is NOT about flat panel televisions (unless you are watching the game on one), looting is. Football is NOT about websites that keep track of how wonderful you are, that is what football cards are for. The fact that we have to have all these “things” is what is wrong with everything.

These “things” show the whore-like nature of my existence since I gladly fork over $49.99 annually for the right to support the EA Games machine, and that walking stroke patient, John Madden. Since I understand that it isn’t cool to talk about a problem without offering a solution so I will try to give my thoughts on how we can eliminate this problem:

  1. Assassinate EA terrer wrists ( Bush pronouncation) then setup a temporary company leadership so we can monitor the corporate structure to make sure there are no more video game evil-doers.
  2. Stay the course (seemed like the right bull shit line after the last item).
  3. Give John Madden 13 four foot long AIDS-ridden tapeworms so we can watch him slowly die and wither away, but as he loses the weight we can donate the extra skin to the shriners so that we can help all of those burn victim children.

That is all for now. I will play this game on regular mode rather than the “Lets see how much shit I can acquire that I will never see in real life,” and enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of the man most in need of multiple angioplasties since President Taft.