“So when are we going to your wedding?”
“When are you getting married?”
“Got anyone in mind to marry yet?”
And about 20 other versions of that question, to which I gave my standard response anytime the word “wedding” is mentioned: “I can’t fathom the idea.”
I don’t know why, but it’s how I answer every time, without fail. Maybe I’m just not as clever and creative with my vocabulary as I like to pretend I am, or maybe there’s some significance to the phrase that I’m missing. Whatever the reason, it’s always my response.
Speaking of people who aren’t very clever… what possesses people to ask that same goddamn question to anyone who isn’t married? Do they need me to be married to boost their own self-esteem? Fuck that.
Then, even better, was some mouth-breathing lip flapper from my brother’s school who had to slip as many GOP buzzwords as possible into his sermon during the ceremony. Goddamn, I hate Christians.
“Secular pop music says love is a feeling… don’t get trapped into accepting the secular definition of love… God’s version is the only way…”
Christ man, there’s enough Kool Aid waiting for us at goddamn reception.
Oh, also, I almost punched out the drink lady. They served nothing but tea, and I hate tea. So I asked for a Coke.
“We’re not serving Coke,” she hissed.
I looked down behind the counter. Sure enough, there was an entire pallet of fucking Diet Cokes.
“What about those Diet Cokes?” I asked.
“I said we’re not serving Cokes.”
You fucking bitch, I thought to myself, right before a torrent of profanity so swift and angry shot through my temples that I couldn’t possibly articulate it here.
“Yeah, I’m only the groom’s brother, and he only dropped about eight grand on this ceremony,” I muttered as I walked off, knowing violence would have occurred had I stood there negotiating for a Diet Coke.
“Fucking cunt,” I muttered under my breath.
My camera is a hunk of shit, so I’m just going to post these two photos and then I’m done with it. A gallery would have been boring as shit even if the photos had turned out better than blurry ass.
Here’s me and Little Bro:
And some porno to start your evening off right:
When my (little) sister graduated from college, it was two years after I dropped out. I swear, if I heard “We’re proud of you, too” another time, a little portion of my skull would have just popped out.
That’s the thing about so many of these caterers and whatnot. They’re probably never going to have your business again no matter how well or how poorly they treat you, so there’s no reason for them to do anything beyond what’s called for in the contract.
It’s okay Rusty — if you ever get married, the next thing they start in on is, “So when are you having kids?” I look at them all blankly and say one of two things:
“We have cats.”
or
“What would I do with them?”
I saw a wedding card once that said on the front: “Finally, you won’t have to hear that annoying question anymore, ‘When are you getting married?’” And on the inside it said, “So, when’re you going to have a baby?”
Tell them that you’re gay - that’ll stop all those silly questions.
I hate being asked that question for more than just one reason: not only is it insensitive to who you are and what you are doing with your life (hence it implies that you should be getting married, because you are a loser if you aren’t); AND it doesn’t even consider your ABILITY to get married. Every time I am asked that question my response is the same:
Whenever you remove your moralistic “ideals” from my right to love who and how I want to, then I will gladly marry my partner. Hell, I want to do is give him half of my stuff and see him if he goes into the hospital, is that too much to ask?
Couples win! Singles lose! All singles must become couples! *whipcrack*
I detest getting asked questions about my personal life…even if they are so-called family. When they ask me a question that I don’t want to answer, I usually give them a blank look with the most acidic answer I can come up. I especially like this question “why did you have 3 kids?” uh hello? because I got pregnant maybe? but I usually smile and say “To make the fights between them more interesting and bloody”
The marriage question is intrusive and obnoxious, but it’s far from the only question they ask. After you’re married, they start in on “When are you going to have children?”. And then it’s “When are you going to have more?”
Society wants you to conform and distrusts anyone who does not. It’s creepy and vile, but it happens anyway.
As a man going through a divorce, I can tell you there is always another question. When are you getting married, when are you going to have kids, when are you going to have more, did you try to make it work, why havne’t you tried fruitlessly for umpteen years to make a miserable situation a little better? It’s always something. God forbid I ever ask anyone to marry me again, some body please shoot me.
I forgot about this one, also a favorite:
Random Relative #5: “When are you guys having kids?”
Me: “When are you starting a trust fund?”
When couples ask “when are you getting married?” I respond “when are you getting divorce?”