Radical Georgia Moderate

I met the sexy senior citizen this morning. Based on what the driver told me, I expected her to be a fire-breathing broad who’d kill me with her evil mind vibrations, but she turned out to be nice in her quirky way. He was right that she appeared to have met the wrong end of an ugly stick at one point, though it’s hard to say exactly what she looked like under the almost-contiguous layer of permanent ink painted on her skin.

Once again, it was my charge to deliver a package to her which required a signature. I approached the door under her carport and alerted her of my presence with a knock. She said through the door she’d heard us approach. A few seconds passed, then she emerged from her lair and, without missing a beat, broke into an entire verse of Dave Edmunds’ I Hear You Knockin’. It went like:

You went away and left me long time ago
And now you’re knocking on my door

I hear you knocking
But you can’t come in

I hear you knocking
Go back where you’ve been

I begged you not to go but you said goodbye
And now you’re telling me all your lies

I hear you knocking
But you can’t come in

I hear you knocking
Go back where you’ve been

She finished, and immediately broke into the story of how she retired after working 30 years for Southern Company. As she started talking about her former coworkers’ thoughts about her tattoos, I noticed the brown penis amulet hanging from her neck (looked a lot like the one on the left, but not made of pewter, and without a snail for a scrotum). She caught me looking at it.

“Those girls got all worked up about me wearing this, and I’d look at them and ask, ‘Haven’t you ever seen one of these before?’” she said.

For a moment I was mesmerized, but then remembered I was supposed to be operating on a time clock. Thoughts started to enter my mind that the driver was going to be pissed this took so long. After she jabbered on about something I wasn’t listening to for another minute or so, I finally got her to sign the Diad. And so ended my only interesting encounter of the day.

Thomas of Grabbing Sand requested that I create a sub-category for all my UPS posts. So let it be said, so let it be done. I’ll track down all the posts and re-categorize them sometime in the next hour. Now I leave you with more driveways that suck.

Buttnugget…

Fartbreath…